You weasly punks

I'm gonna spice things up at this sorry-ass blog. It has what, like four readers? Well that's four more than your blog has!!! Haa haa haa!!!

I think it might rain tomorrow.

Not normal people, no.

People don't just barf all the time.

BTW, The Mrs.'s mother is visiting this Christmas.

Tonight

Seems to be dark.

Snow?

Or just frost?

We shall see next week.

Jazzing it up

This morning, I considered making this blog a group blog where any number of failed bloggers could come together to post crap. That way, you'd have a continuous stream of crap, which I know is what keeps the fans of this particular site running.

However then I thought to myself, "Self, the reason these bloggers failed is because they stopped writing crap, not because they ran out of crap to write. So really, it'd be a blog with five contributors who don't actually ever write anything, and that would be as worthless as it already is. You'd be better off creating a second blogger account for yourself under a different name and then posting fake arguments with your alter-ego. You could create an identity called 'The Mrs.' and really go to town, and no one would ever know, dullard that they are."

But it's a major pain-in-the-ass to create another blogger account. Plus, The Mrs. is not known for her sense of humor. I'd probably have to call it "Angry Thespian."

The road to $1000

I've decided to follow the lead of Cavitation and keep track of how long it takes me to save $1000 by "not pissing it away".

So, let's see. Today I had just one beer at happy hour (where I was to drown my sorrows as opposed to being happy). Savings: $5 (with tip).

I got the medium combo meal at GoodTimes instead of the large. Savings: $1.

Oh, and I did not place my order for this, and then I did not upgrade the engine, seats, electronics, steering, instrument panel, deck, or the trailer. Savings: $43,115.

OK, I'm done.

We take shelter

I think we're in for a thunderstorm.

Is it warm out tonight

Or did I just break my foot?

If you can't make fun of yourself

...who can you make fun of?

How about people on the blogroll? This being a slow news day, rather than develop my own material, I've decided to go back to the roots of this particular blog and parody other bloggers' posts. For those of you who don't remember (which, I will assume is all of you, dullards that you are), the first real, substantive posts at this site (starting here) were parodies of GenX Finance.

Today's victim is Ellie. She made the mistake of YMing me today that her latest post was a masterpiece. I am, of course, the type of person who cannot let such a challenge go unanswered. So here it is: the unauthorized rewrite of "Silly."

Silly, Shmilly

Silly has been the theme for the past 24 hours, and no, it’s not because Obama has changed his slogan from “Change We Can Believe In,” to “Change We Need.” "Change we need." "Change we need." I can't for the life of me say that without thinking of a urine-soaked, panhandling Yoda sitting in a shopping cart in SOMA. “Change we need. For food we will work.”

No. It wasn’t that. Rather, last night we went to Swiss Chalet to meet up with Reba, who I haven't seen since 1997. In fact, the last time I saw her was a very dark period of my life, and now I am quite happy. As a bizarre coincidence, roughly 35 years ago, Reba’s older sister was slated to marry CherkyB, but he eventually (eventually, as in 21 years later) ended up marrying my older sister instead. So Reba and I are like almost sisters-in-law, though we never speak of this.

Oh wait, that wasn't Reba. That was my other friend who lived down the street from her. Nevermind.

In any event, Reba and I were best of friends in 7th grade, and also best of enemies. Like mean girls, though with perhaps slightly more nudity and quite a bit more cough syrup. Last night was a delight. It was a total throw-back to 7th grade. I'm sure we bored everyone around us with our stories to one another. I found myself laughing about something I did that was mean, and then felt bad, but then found myself laughing out loud to myself in the middle of the night. It turns out I'm actually kind of a prick. Poor D_. He probably spent the whole night wondering if Reba and I would kiss and, if not, would we at least shut the hell up long enough for him to catch the score of the late game.

Sorry D_. No such luck. And don't think I didn't see you checking out her boobs.

This morning was yet again filled with more silliness. First, I had a meeting at 9 at Starbucks. It was closed. I mean, what the heck is with that? What kind of an asshat is running the place? “Lookit me, I’m a big important Starbucks manager. I think I’ll close the store at 9am on a Monday because what kind of weirdo wants to buy coffee on a Monday morning?” Which kinda sucks cuz I really, really love Starbucks, but now I have to boycott the place cuz the manager called me a weirdo.

So the four of us just decided to meet in cars. It was actually quite productive, but odd nonetheless. It was made all the odder because two of the people I was meeting with had just seen the remade Death Race, which they both agreed sucked even more than the original, and they wanted to go all mayhem on us.

BTW, when did they start making bumpers out of plastic? What kind of crap is this? You wanna talk about change I need? I need some steel bumpers, you morons.

Also, D_ and I had this really nice trip to the sculpture park last week and received a very nice gift. I want to send a thank you card, but came to the conclusion that none of the cards I have lying around are worthy. I stopped at the card store and found nothing. I looked at Wegman's, which has a great selection; again nothing appealed to me. In addition, I heard somewhere that it is inappropriate (i.e. classless) to send a card that actually has the words, "Thank you" on the cover. (Where did I learn this, I wondered later today, and was it true? I asked my delightful co-worker M, who would know a fact like this. She assured me that it was in fact true.) Fully aware that I am now belated with this thank you, I feel even more urgency and stress. I stopped at Everything Elmwood and found an acceptable, attractive set of cards that are also my favorite color (brown – I’ve kinda got a bit of a poo obsession, if you must know). So all is well there. Now I just need to not mess up the writing. Once in a while I still obsess about things like this, especially around purchases, and often it does have to do with gifts. Plus, I plan to learn at some point how to properly break up my thoughts into paragraphs so that my loyal readers don’t have to wade through a mess like this one all that often.

The rest of the day went without incident. I was excited about my trip to Rite Aid after work. I had to pick up a prescription. I read in the ad that a 20 lb bag of bird seed was only $5.99. Also, zone bars are buy 1, get 1 50% off and I just ordered a lot of coupons from eBay for $1 off per bar. Very exciting stuff. At least compared to the normal highlight of the day, which tend to revolve around how fast I ran up a hill and back down again. Woo-f-ing-Hoo!

So I get to Rite Aid and I go in the pet food aisle, but no bird seed. I go back and ask the girl at the counter, who asks the manager. He says, "We don't sell bird seed." Then, "Well, maybe other Rite Aids do." Then I got my prescription. The pharmacist was talking to a customer about being understaffed. He said, "We had some good quality applicants, but 4 of them didn't pass the drug screen." To which I chimed in, "Well, at least they are resourceful."

Sometimes I should just keep my thoughts to myself. Now I have to boycott Rite Aid, too. Humorless bunch, those pharmacists. Nothing like proctologists.

Anyway, I picked up my prescription then checked out with my mega deal on the Zone bars. I asked to see the ad and looked through it. No bird seed! Did I dream it? I don't know. That would be a dream come true. Now I must go through the recycle bin to find the ad.

How silly!

Sweatshirt

I had to wear a sweatshirt this morning. But then I started doing hard labor, and I had to remove it.

It got chilly

Brrr...

It's like fall

Cold. A bit rainy. The Mrs. is very excited.